Dirk Dirtwood's Dirt House
The Adventures of a Southern Dipshit

Lenny Lane

   So, about my friend Lenny, Lenny Lane. He is the son of Penny Lane of Beatles fame. She was the groupie, he was the son. Some would say he was the sounuvabitch. Either way with me, he was cool.

   Lenny used to go around and play kick the can by my uncles barn. We’d all be ridin’ horses around there and this 37 year old guy would be playin’ kick the can by the barnyard. I remember one day my boy Skee-Lo got sick an’ tired of seein him there all the time. Skee-Lo took one of the horses and straight ran that sumbitch over. Literally rammed straight through his shit, busted him up real bad. Funniest part was, after this shitfest Skee-Lo told him it’s all good; I know, the irony of that. Skee busted his ass up and suddenly it’s all good on Skee’s half, whatever. After Skee said all this he went to his truck and put on the Penny Lane song. I’m like you fuckin’ nigger got the Beatles in your truck? Well I didn’t really say that but I was thinking it; Or maybe I did say it. Or maybe I imagined saying it and convined myself that I did. No, I’m just kidding, I did say it. It’s all good though.

       On better days you could find Lenny at the old folks home cleaning up the shit of old ladys. I guess he was a nice guy at heart. He used to take all the Vicoden and Percosets and Lortabs from all these old people. He used to tell me bout how he  hypnotized some old lady and got her to give him all her pills. Actually, more than just her pills. I honestly think he was full of shit but he did seem to always have a stash of pills. What a strange strange character. He use to feed his cat pills and call it a “catnap.” It was pretty weird. One day Wayne was like “say bra, stop giving your cat all the goddamn pills….. You could give ’em to me.” These are really good guys! My sarcasm there should be about as obvious as Kim Kardashians big flabby ass.     

       Lenny Lane used to love cats. He loved cats so much that I think he’d fuck a cat. Maybe not that much but he definately spend some money around Charistmas time.

   And that’s another thing; Lenny whooped up on Santa Claus at the mall one day. A few days before Christmas in 2008, Lenny was at the mall with his oldest nephew, a 5’9 bronzed goddess named Maria. Well it just so happens none other than Santa  is at the mall on this same evening, and as they pass by his little hut, he’s walking out and bumps into her. Not a hard bump or anything, just a light breeze. Uncle Lenny gets all pissed off and starts screamin “Why the fuck you hittin on my daughter bitch? Fat fuck why you hittin on my daughter?” I don’t even care to know why he was saying his nephew was his daughter. Santa must have called for reindeer backup or something because Uncle Lenny knocked this guy out flat, knockout of the week! Maria then slapped him and called him an embarassment and made us get the fucking fuck out of there. It was a pretty awkward moment. Larry made it chill though, as he walked away he made sure to tell everyone Merry Christmas. I thought that was real nice.


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