Dirk Dirtwood's Dirt House
The Adventures of a Southern Dipshit

The worse day of Dave’s life

                My friend Dave used to work in this huge sporting goods store. This store was awesome, decked out to the fullest. It had dead deers and wolves and ducks and squirrels all over the place, just laying on the walls and on this gargantum display in the middle of this gigantic store. It was cool. Anyway Dave got charged with sexual harassment one day on the job, in front of everyone, and it was fucking hilarious.

                Dave usually worked in the camping department of the store. One night Dave got called to the fishing department, a department that he was wholly unfamiliar with. For good or for bad, a whole hot mama fuck of a stomach full of kids visited the Fishing department. The Fishing department was right next to the Sailing department, the clothing department. and the Kids Clothes department. Perfect for a sailor fucker, a hot pink fucker or a child molester. For Dave, none of these options would suffice. Dave was more of a regular Joe, and as such that made him more like any normal person than an actual normal person. Here’s an exercise: Grab a pen and paper and draw two little dots as eyes, a dot for a nose and a smiley face. Above this happy horsefuckin’ face write Normal Dave. That is about how normal Normal Dave is.

                But this particular night things went wrong. Dave was called in to the Fishing department to clean the fish and make sure the area was tidy. This department had a few hundred fishing poles spread out over about a 200 square feet area. Some kids were fucking around, just being the ignorant spoiled little shits they are, and in the midst of their nursery orgy they knocked over a bunch of fishing poles. As the poles clashed against the ground, Dave was the only person standing that was over 5 foot 4. This meant the little shit kids were small enough to dash off and use their diminutive stature as an advantage; they could easily run and use the aisles as cover; unfortunately, Dave was the only unlucky sumbitch to be noticed.

                “He did it!” screamed a fellow [traitor] worker. He’s the only one walking away!” To this, Dave was furious. Some would say Dave was fucking furious. So Dave runs after these little midget kids, who are still within eye sight form him since he saw them moments before their big fuck up. Dave catches up to them, grabs the boniest of the two and hold him up as if he was some sort of fish on display for a bunch of hungry fish munchers.

                RAPE! the little kid screams. Dave just drops this little motherfucker, bust his ass up. Dave was so angry, he literally held this little kid by the collar of his shirt, just dangling him from the air.  The kid starts screaming and crying and everyone is suddenly in a bad mood. It was the biggest and quickest change of scenery I have ever seen. At first everyone is at least  feigning happiness, next thing you know this piece of shit child is crying, and Dave is being touted a child molester. They ended up firing Dave shortly after that because they couldn’t bare having a purported child molester in the place. It was pretty fucked up. Only thing is, my friends dad is even more fucked up. This dude was so fucking high that he thought he was blind and tried walking across the Interstate. In order to keep a tragic story tragic, he got his bitch ass hit by a car, and rightfully so.  I go to school to enable myself to learn a wild mix of ebonics, street slang and English, and that meshes about as well as this sumbitches face right about now. I don’t even know who I just insulted there, but this motherfuckers face is fucked up. And that is about the end of this story.

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