Dirk Dirtwood's Dirt House
The Adventures of a Southern Dipshit

The true origin of TiVo

 

           My friend John’s dad is a very special man. He isn’t a doctor or an astronaut or a famous football player. He isn’t even a genius. Matter of fact, he’s a very uneducated man. But the reason my friend John’s dad is awesome is because he is the man that invented TiVo. That’s right. My friend John’s dad, Joe, invented TiVo.

           In 1995 Joe patented an idea/design for a program that would record live TV at will. He got the idea one night when he had to go out to eat with his wife and her family. Furious that he couldn’t watch his favorite TV show, Joe went into an inner rage that could only leady to one outcome: Brilliance.

          All night Joe sat patiently at the table, feigning interest and bullshitting nonchalantly with his wife and her compadres. It took about 2 hours of bad conversation, a little bit of wine and a half of a fillet mignon when Joe suddenly realized that he had to take a huge shit. Frustrated by his inconvenience but relieved that he could get away from the disasters at the table, Joe grabbed a napkin, his lucky pen, and headed to the Men’s room.

           There John sat, in the urinal farthest against the wall, pen and napkin in hand. It was within these mere moments that Joe devised his plan: SnapIt.

            SnapIt was basically every thing TiVo and other brands are and could ever aspire to be. It was everything. It was the whole motherfucking manuscript, all on a napkin. If the entire universe was a napkin with a brilliant idea written on it, Joe would control the world. He was the man. So what happened to it? Why isn’t Joe the righteous inventor of the TiVo unit?

             When Joe left the restroom that evening, he made one crucial mistake. Joe put the napkin in his back pocket, and he didn’t stuff it in all the way.  The plan slipped out. Shortly after, another man came into that restroom. He was a 29 year old electrical engineer whose last name may or may not have sounded similar to Ramses. Curious as to the design laying on the floor, he did what anyone would do if they saw a million dollar bill laying on the ground: he took it.

           The rest is history. Every now and then Joe will mention how he created TiVo and how much agony he has suffered in his life for losing “God’s one and only blessing” upon him. We always remind him he didn’t create TiVo, he created SnapIt. Basically the same thing, he says. Amen brother.

           The moral of this story is it’s better to be pissed off than pissed on. Now that I think about it, that saying has absolutely nothing to do with this story.

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